A little Golden Calf outta that pan of brownies.

The voice still rings through my mind, "just carve yourself a little golden calf to bow down to when your cutting up those brownies..." in a woman's southern accent full of sarcasm.  

The woman who's voice I just talked about became a heretic - Gwen Shamblin.  She was a really successful "Christian" dietary theologian.  In the late 90s (I can't believe I just said that), she was the talk of the Christian circles, every one asking have you tried the "Weigh Down Diet" - does your church have the "program"?  Her premise was that we eat only when we are truly hungry and you could eat whatever you wanted.  I listened to her tapes (yes tapes) daily for months. She started isolating people and teaching about God through the enrollment in her program.  Unfortunately her view of God was a little warped.  Apparently you needed to become "pure" before coming to our Holy God and basically following her program would give ultimate submission to Jesus and ensure your eternal Salvation.

This is not true of course.  Come just as you are.  Our sin nature is from birth and God redeems.  

Well, I decided to just become "aware" - it's like when you've been sinning and you didn't know it, but it is revealed to you in some form or fashion... well this is exactly what has happened to me.  My need to loose weight didn't line up with my desire to loose weight.  Wow.  It's been about 7 weeks and I can't believe all that has happened.  I've grown as a person... and lost ground too.  I have been sporting a nasty 'tude for a couple of weeks.  My friend Amy said... maybe your hungry.  No, I'm not, just for some reason, God has me really, really struggling with the flesh - my heart and my mind = seeing the "fruit" but not eating it.

Tonight I am below my caloric goal pretty significantly, but I'm not hungry.  I took a stroll through my kitchen just before I sat down to write, just to "see" if there was anything in there that might interest me and fit into my food "budget". Nothing sounded good except for a few rice chips.

So, I have been approaching my calories this way: I can take out of the bank, only what is there.  I am using the Livestrong  daily plate and it's been an amazing tool.  I plunk in my numbers and track my food - it allows me to "budget" out my calories.  For example, I know I can pretty much drink coffee all day long b/c it's under 10 calories and half and half is only 15!  I think a combination of knowing what's "in the bank" and your nutritional needs and hunger cycles are really the trick - at least for me.  You may have other convictions, but this is what has worked for me.

Today, I stood outside of a QFC, where I had just bought all this fresh produce and smelled *very clearly* Burger King.  I didn't see it coming, but it was there.  I know you know that smell, a grilled burger waving in the wind.  My mind went to... wait I stopped myself because I was fanticizing about a CHEESE BURGER!  I realized that the cost was too high.  It would be sinning if I had driven over the Burger King and ordered that Burger.  I had a certain amount of "calories in the bank" and this would blow them all if I decided to make that decision.  Even as I had walked through QFC I thought, Aren't those cupcakes so cute?  Isn't that so appealing.  I was even standing in the garden, being surrounded by beautiful things.  Through this experience, for the first time I feel like I can relate to a man in regards to many men's struggles with lust.  I lust for food.  Don't get me wrong, but I want to "feel" good by "beautiful" things.  Even though I know that broccoli with a little lemon spritzed on top actually tastes good to me, is easy to prepare and would satisfy me... oh that Burger would have given me what I wanted when I wanted it, but the cost would have destroyed every thing in a matter of minutes and I would have paid for it in my "bank" and my conscience and my belly - AND feel like a hypocrite.  Isn't that similar to the struggle men have?  They can log onto a web site, unzip their pants and be satisfied in a matter of minutes.  All I had to do was drive through a window, pick up my food and open up wide in the privacy of my own car.  Guess what? Tonight... I would just be left wanting more and it would probably be worse and I would then be tempted to just continue to go over my caloric intake with great justification... well, I ate at noon and now it's 11pm so I'm entitled to eat.  Tomorrow would have been easier to justify one more "unhealthy" decision.  On the other hand and on the other side of the store from the Bakery isle... I ran through the pop and candy isle as I had made a wrong move and found myself in the wrong isle... just like Joseph - running from potipher's wife - wrong place.  Wrong time.  All I could see were calories clinging to my body as I eagerly neared the end of that isle.  The people scanning the video of customers must have thought... what the hell is going on there?

Thankfully, I have come into an education where I can, after much research on the foods I like to eat, eat them in small portions and not have the,  "well I really shouldn't..." to - yes I can... in moderation and decide what the actual (caloric) cost to me will be and if I can live with that cost and not over analyze it - thus it becomes an idol, but listen to the sweet voice of our gentle Lord when temptation crosses our path.

Remember, he was tempted too.  Satan offered him food if he would bow down to Satan.  Why would we be exempt from the same temptation?

Weight the cost - educate yourself.  See if you can afford it.  If not... don't.

This is me, all full of myself today: not seeing the temptation that lay ahead.  I made a good choice and by Jesus's sweet voice, I hope to make many more. 

 

"I really shouldn't...." - Then don't.

"I really shouldn't..." - then why did you?

My dear friend brought this phrase to my attention upon talking about her mother in the context of food right around Christmas time. She would announce this upon eating the last piece of pizza, brownie, cookie. No one cared, but she obviously needed a group stamp of approval, and continued regardless of a response and had a conscience issue about it... why else would she bring it up? It occurred to me upon reflecting and conversing with my friend that this is downright sin. Announcing that you "shouldn't" be doing something you are going to do anyway is sin.

Since then, I've caught myself doing the same thing. Just not announcing my choices to a group of people. Oh, I really shouldn't stop by micky-d's... but I just want a cheeseburger (300 calories + 12 grams of fat) and I'm on the run... it would just be so easy. Oh, I really shouldn't get that grande mocha (aprox. 470 calories +16 grams of fat)... but the green logo at Starbucks is so alluring and the cups feel so good in your hand. In my mind I was being "diet-ish" - you know, when you kind of put yourself on a " mental diet" when you kind of feel guilty about something you think you should feel guilty about, but honestly don't know the cost of that decision. Do you know how many calories you should be eating per day? Do the above numbers register for you? Do you say, oh... that's a lot? I didn't.

Context: In the past several months, God has brought just a messy mess into my life where I struggle after struggle seeing my sin, the effects it has had on my relationship with God, my family, my husband my friends. If your not struggling with your sin... are you walking with God? God showed me that I was not really walking the walk, the walk, the walk with him. I was "playing" church, family, wife, home, but not walking with Jesus. This is all an aside to say that after dealing much muck that I've been convicted on - this is just the latest and the most physically challenging to say the least.

Damon was in the hospital and quite ill for just about 6 weeks from the beginning of January to mid-February. I looked at myself one day and realized I had gained several pounds. The thought of me walking through the hospital cafeteria to get a meal - on a break from the room crosses my mind. 1. It was a break from the small room we were in and 2. I could "feel" good by the plethora of choices available to me - and Children's cafeteria does have good food. Not only was I over eating to "feel good" - I was over spending. I didn't have $10 per meal budgeted! What was I thinking? Oh... but it felt good. I shouldn't have...

Fast forward to me looking at my belly in February. Yep. Rolls. I was on the loosing streak and just bounced myself back to bigger than I had hoped. I hopped on the scale at my friend's house and was disgusted.

I was also drinking at least ONE glass of wine a day, that was just recently, between December and January, I was having at least ONE margarita with a couple of shots of tequila per day. I shouldn't... but I did.

God really convicted me: my body is a temple of God. What the hell was I doing to it? Well, I got introduced to a couple of things in a really random way and I believe that God truly works in random ways with a huge overall plan that none of us can really see until later.

February 20th, I had run to Costco and yes.... I stopped in *of all places* the "health" area of Costco. They were promoting a supplement and I had seen it before, but this time it clicked with me - it was on sale and I thought, heck, I've never tried anything like this before, so I'll give it 2 weeks and just see what happens. As with anything like this they always recommend a healthy diet as well. I thought that was a little funny, but decided to do it anyway.

February 21st - I started the supplement, I started a new skin care routine and I stopped drinking alcohol. I recorded it on my calendar... just to see what happened. Just to see how long I would stick with it. How long I could "go" with out alcohol.

February 22nd - Monday - I started logging my calories on livestrong.com, using the "my plate" program. I quickly learned just how many calories I was taking in - I was super surprised to see that all the foods I thought were healthy... were absolutely not! Wow - another crazy awakening.

Later in the week, I found out I could "log" any exercise I did. That was really funny to me. I don't exercise. I don't like to go outside and I can't afford a gym. One of my last blogs was about how I love my blankie. Well, my sweet neighbor showed up at my house with her three kids and said... I'm in front of your house... we're going for a walk. Logan started standing in front of the door begging for shoes to be put on his feet and just get OUTSIDE! My 8 year old was having a terrible, terrible day with much crying and I insisted we get outside and just take a walk. He cried the first block, until I told him it was a stress reliever and gave him a goal to race to. When we got back to the house, he had stopped crying and said, "Wow, I feel better, it's just what I needed." Me too buddy.

God reinforced just how important these things were. I viewed exercise as dry and boring, but God showed me that 1. I am enjoying my friend on our walks and Logan gets to see his friends 2. Logan gets his heart ministered to by just getting out - he's now insisted on pushing the stroller the last block (you go Logan) and 3. My big boy loves to get out and race me - this week he raced for video game minutes in 5 minute increments... they added up pretty quick. It's not about me anymore, but I am benefiting from it.

I am now becoming more and more aware of what my body needs and realizing how ignorant I was to calories, fat, fiber, sugar intake. I ate an egg the first day, thinking the protein would carry me through the day - or until the next meal, as I was sure I would be hungry. It was an eye opening experience to find out that the ONE egg I had eaten took up all my cholesterol for the day. How many eggs had I been eating prior to my week of revelation? I had also been eating lots of bacon - duh - bacon is not a weight loss solution, however I did not realize it was maxing my body out on sodium! I walked into Starbucks earlier this week and I was HUNGRY. I used the app on my phone to find out how much that low-fat berry thing I like so much was going to cost me... 350 calories. I couldn't do it. The cost was too high. Luckily, Starbucks had nuts for sale...

When I was having the "I really shouldn'ts..." they were there for a reason. I had a responsibility to explore what that was. I knew that McD's was "bad" for me, but I didn't know why or just how bad. I do now. If I can't remember what I've eaten, I take a picture on my phone so I can log it later.

If your questioning, should I? The answer is usually no. Also, if you make a statement like that in a group setting. Please understand that I will shut your trap with a response that goes something like "no, you shouldn't" - that goes for the rest of you. Hold the "mental dieters" to a higher standard so that one day it will occur to them that they will need to shit or get off the pot. In saying all this, I am not making a judgement in WHAT you are eating, WHAT you weigh or "should" weigh, but rather holding you accountable to what seems to be a conscience issue. In saying this I don't want any of you to be worried about being judged about what your putting in your mouth. That's your business... but if you make it mine, I'll be sure to let you know what I think.

Since February 20th,

• I've lost over 10lbs.
• Dropped a dress/pant/underwear size. They were having a great sale at Lane Bryant last week and I thought I should probably go check it out... then it occurred to me that nothing in the store would fit! I'm below my pre-wedding weight (over 3 1/2 years ago).
• I have ENERGY. Crazy Energy. I feel great.
• I am aware of my behavior.
• My skin looks better.
• I have not had a lick of alcohol since February 20th and have not been tempted. I don't believe I had an "alcohol" addiction, it just tasted good. I do plan on having a cosmo for my birthday next week.

Last night, I was hungry. Really hungry for the first time since I started all this. I choose to go over my calorie allowance. I have been so strict for so many weeks now and my progress has really shown. I decided that for one night, it was ok to fulfill that true physical hunger - my conscience was clean and I ate healthy foods. I will live a life of discipline, but not live a legalistic life with false guilt and "I shouldn'ts...".

This isn't necessarily about me loosing weight, but God has woven this into my life as an opportunity to obey him about the things I choose to put in my mouth.

Don't be like me - pre-February 20th: on a mental diet with "I really shouldn'ts..." I love the learning process - about nutrition, but also a new journey of conviction that is ultimately reflecting the glory of God in my life. This is one area that I can share with authenticity to those around me - with physical results. Jesus showed the disciples his scared hands after his resurrection so they would "see" Jesus and know him. I am glad to follow his example and say, "hey, I am living out what Jesus did... let me show you how he's put his mark on my body" - I hope the same for you - inside or out.

"I shouldn't..." By God's grace... I won't.